The Joseph Luster Retort

Just Another Pseudo-Handicapped Haley Joel Osment Fan

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

the world's most fearsome doo doo smuggler

REports just in, a man was arrested in Thailand who is a suspect in the murder of that hot little beauty queen from coloRADo. The man was none other than Joe Luster. Check out this exclusive Joe Earl comic. Not the changing reality, emphasizing the the many planes of douche baggery that Joseph Luster exists upon!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Back and better than ever

We were on hiatus at the Joseph Luster Retort while we idled away the nights at an underage sex paradise. This was, of course, under cover work, tailing the nefarious Joe Luster as he licked clean the butts of many a young Pakistani bois. We promise to stay diligent in our efforts to thwart the grotesque meanderings and to put his insane victriol back into context.

As part of our continued efforts, we're starting up a satirical comic, lampooning the evil machinations of the world's #1 booty digger. We hope you enjoy the Adventures of Joe Earl.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

You are what you watch

Everyone should be opposed to corny and trashy entertainment. The average human only lives for 72 days. That's rough 1200 hours. You're going to spend 2 of those precious 1200 on stupid crap from other countries where the lead actors has to read english from a cue card? Please, euthanize yourself right now. You have no reason to live and you're shortening my lifespan because it depresses me that people would waster their precious time with shitty zombie movies from Katmandu or where ching chong shit comes from.

Me, I watch high quality shows like Veronica Mars where girls can be really wierd looking but still get my meat sandwhich up and at attention. Then, I finger my jelly hole and try on bras because Veronica Mars is for prepubescent girl scouts whose first time was with their cousin that can't pronounce Ratchet and Clank correctly.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Game Instruction Manuals Saved My Life

Some people (read: assholes) would make light of the warnings of epileptic siezures our dear game manuals proclaim. Well, let me tell you. It saved my young life. I was playing Silent Hill and not being scurred because I'm not a pussy when this annoying fuck called me on the phone and was like, "hey boi", and I was all, "fuck!" I saw flashes of light and I couldn't breathe and I started making saliva bubbles, BUT NOT ON PURPOSE!

I grabbed my instruction booklet where it said, receiving phone calls from joey coco while playing silent hill can cause extreme gay and epileptic siezures. So I immediately hung up the phone and my symptoms went bye bye.

one other point about instuction manuals. Where did all the awesome artwork go? Take Guardian Heroes, por ejemplo:

First of all, it made it seems like you were this hot lord of the dance dude who beat up skeletons. That's a game I want to play. But more importantly, they cleverly tricked everyone into thinking this wasn't some big mouth japonees cartoon ching chong game. Good work, fellas.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Someone call the gynocologist: I grew a pussy last night!

People who get scared by video games are huge pussies. They probably sit around all day digging their index finger deep into their nether regions and tasting the sweet nectar all day long. They smell and they are really really really really dumb. GO home cry babies. Your mom is calling you.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The Myth of the Super

There are people out there who believe that simply adding the word "super" to a given game's name it will make it awesome. These people are idiot jack asses that don't know how to wash their anuses correctly.

What's more is they look like this: